The Gifts I Gave Myself

So, like I do at the start of every new year in my life, I’m changing a few things. The first: I will spend more time outside.

Next: I will do something new with all the reams of words I have lying around.

Last, and most important: I will mute, block & expunge Homo Trollus from all my social media feeds.

I’ve realised that they are a currently busy, but generally unsustainable, flare in human evolution – a knee-jerk response to rapid technological advances, if you like. As a more durable version of the human species, it isn’t my job to encourage their survival.

How will I identify them? The old way:

  • they repeat one or two stock refrains, and manage to bring them into any, and all, conversations
  • being small and easily frightened, they’ve learned to use a combination of camouflage and poison to survive (which would be a great adaptation, but they combine it with a foolish need to attack for no apparent reason – which is why they aren’t a sustainable branch of the species).
  • they are allergic to unity, peace and happiness – these actually make them feel ill, triggering both a fight response and a vomit reflex which has them regurgitating poison.
  • no good cause is safe from them – if they can’t derail a cause from the outside, they morph into its loudest, most offensive and repetitive supporter, alienating all reasonable people.

But, while they’re here, they are an awful irritant to the rest of us – like a sort of zombie mosquito. It has been noted that they’ve learned to swarm, but don’t let that worry you – when not confronted by a contented or kind person to attack, they turn on one another, so the swarming thing isn’t a long-term problem. So, that’s my contribution to the human race for this year. And to my own survival.


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